I tried killing myself Tuesday. It didn't work.

I’m under the care of doctors and no urgent care is needed. Suicide and attempted suicide is legal in the State of California.


About a year and a half ago, I decided I wanted to end my life.  Given how serious a decision that is, I decided it would be prudent to not rush the decision.  As a compromise, I decided to try living one more year – life at its fullest – to see if I can make it work, one last ernest attempt.


And I truly did that.  


And yet there I was on Tuesday.  


I had a six page long Last Will & Testament, signed by 2 witnesses that work at the local UPS Store.


I had an official suicide note that read:


Roses are red

Violates are blue

Childhood sexual abuse

Hope it doesn’t happen to you


I had a letter typed up to the local police department explaining the situation and providing safety guidance regarding the unusual situation before them.


I bought 250 cubic feet of Nitrogen (N2) from a local welding supply company.  About 5 minutes drive away. 


I decided my Ford Explorer would be the perfect death box.  I’ve always liked that vehicle.  I feel comfortable and safe there.  I just don’t have any bad memories of it, and it hasn’t had a single mechanical issue LOL.   2006 Ford FTW.    Gonna die in my American truck I love … ! :D :D


Anyway, there was an issue with the regulator, I believe.  I was going to do a test run, but I got impatient and wanted the thing over sooner rather then later so I said fuck it, and in I went.


Nitrogen is an innert gas.  It makes up 80% of the air we breathe.  You are breathing mostly Nitrogen gas .. right now.


The idea was to fill the vehicle with enough Nitrogen to displace all oxygen.


Anyway, I’m still alive.  And still able to program.  I made a python program (it’s on github lol) to take data from the IR port of the gas data logger, and turn that into some fancy graphics superimposed onto the dashcam video footage of my near death.


Oh, you didn’t think I would not get this on video?


The following VIDEO is NSFW NSFL etc etc.  The first 10 or 15 minutes are a nice tribute to the life I lived.  It gets progressively terrifying from there.  


But anyway, I’m still here, and I’m still able to program python.